Fair warning, this entire entry is dedicated to the biggest donkey ding dong I've ever seen, and hope I will ever see.
Over this lovely Fourth of July weekend, I had the privelege of going to a little place called 'Hippy Hallow' in Austin, TX. This is at one of the more beautiful lakes I've seen in the states, that looks more like the Mediterranean than the middle of the Lonestar State. And along with that Euro feel comes a little something special about this part of the lake: naked gays and fatties.
Why is it that at nude beaches, the ONLY people who will take off their clothes are the fat-asses and women who could sweep the floor with their ta tas? Doesn't ANYONE with a semi-decent body want to show it off? Or are we forever stuck with tummies that resemble a Shar-Pei's face and saggy balls that should never see the light of day? It's almost not worth frequenting nude beaches at all.
Wait a minute - that's entirely untrue.
After nursing a hangover with more beer and sunshine, the faux B.D.D.D. (Biggest Donkey Ding Dong - try to keep up.) arrived with his lady friend directly across from our sunning area. Now this guy had something going for him - a little too much something if you ask me, but to each his/her own. He sat perfectly bare-assed and spread-legged on the cliff, and his little-big friend LAYED on the rock with him. How that shit didn't third degree burn immediately is beyond me - but the tan complexion of Mr. Big Even Flacid suggested that this wasn't his first day in the sun.
The day carried on, vaginas and nutsacks came and went. After packing up our things and hiking back up the cliff on the way to the car, the Official B.D.D.D. was finally unveiled - and there is hardly any way to describe this sight. First off, I want to note that its owner was not a particularly tall man. Granted, he was definitely more...urban than our first contestant, but most certainly shorter. This was a sight so unbelievable that I made the mental note to mark in my mind where this thing ended - and I'll tell you right now, it was the better part of the length of his quad.
I'm sorry - if I were to see this monster in a bedroom situation, I might actually scream out loud. Pee my pants a little, and run for cover, mother fucker. If he's that big loosey goosey, I don't even want to KNOW what he looks like all dolled up.
And this is the moment where I decided he was cursed rather than blessed, and sign of the cross-ed the wang in sympathy for his poor fortune. As Eric so aptly suggested, 'I bet he's a show-er, not a grower.' My God I hope so.
I guess everything really IS bigger in Texas.