Monday, June 22, 2009

There is NO way, I am dating, a retarded person.

After writing an obscene comment about Arby's on one of my good friend's Facebook walls, I got to thinking about the reasons I don't have a boyfriend, none of which I care to/am able to change.

I've listed some highlights here, for the pleasure reading of the 3-5 people who read this, and their 1-2 single straight friends of which 3/10ths-5/8ths might still be interested in dating this hot mess:

#29 "I would take a shit on the floor of an Arby's before I would eat their food." (reference: Facebook.)

#13 My inability to curb my a) conversation about bodily functions and b) performance of bodily functions.

#17 I enjoy making shy people feel uncomfortable and relish in creating awkward situations involving strangers I've just met. This includes attractive men, semi-famous people, and any combination of the two.

This is a combination of neither.

# 1 Two words: RAIDER NATION.

#3 I prefer to go to the bathroom with the door wide open. I don't know why, I just do.
#21 Speaking of which,I pee in public on a fairly regular basis, and see no problem with it whatsoever. I do not intend to change this behavior.

#11 I enjoy wrestling and beer-chugging, even at the same time, and rarely know when enough is enough.
#3 I have a side of the bed, a side of the movie theater, and a side of the restaurant booth. Hint: these are all the same side, that side is the right, and this is non-negotiable.

#20 There are very few tall, black, Jew-y dancer-chefs around.

This hooded suit-donning deliciousness also fits the bill.

I can't tell you how many times I've uttered the words, 'and THIS is why I don't have a boyfriend...' Most of these times are escaping me. Feel free to remind me of some, I promise not to beat the shit out of you. (See #19.)



P.S. Upon further investigation of this post, it looks more like a list of 'things that make me more masculine than feminine.' I think this revelation will be instrumental in making me consider changing my conduct, before ultimately continuing to behave just the same as always.