Monday, June 22, 2009

There is NO way, I am dating, a retarded person.

After writing an obscene comment about Arby's on one of my good friend's Facebook walls, I got to thinking about the reasons I don't have a boyfriend, none of which I care to/am able to change.

I've listed some highlights here, for the pleasure reading of the 3-5 people who read this, and their 1-2 single straight friends of which 3/10ths-5/8ths might still be interested in dating this hot mess:

#29 "I would take a shit on the floor of an Arby's before I would eat their food." (reference: Facebook.)

#13 My inability to curb my a) conversation about bodily functions and b) performance of bodily functions.

#17 I enjoy making shy people feel uncomfortable and relish in creating awkward situations involving strangers I've just met. This includes attractive men, semi-famous people, and any combination of the two.

This is a combination of neither.

# 1 Two words: RAIDER NATION.

#3 I prefer to go to the bathroom with the door wide open. I don't know why, I just do.
#21 Speaking of which,I pee in public on a fairly regular basis, and see no problem with it whatsoever. I do not intend to change this behavior.

#11 I enjoy wrestling and beer-chugging, even at the same time, and rarely know when enough is enough.
#3 I have a side of the bed, a side of the movie theater, and a side of the restaurant booth. Hint: these are all the same side, that side is the right, and this is non-negotiable.

#20 There are very few tall, black, Jew-y dancer-chefs around.

This hooded suit-donning deliciousness also fits the bill.

I can't tell you how many times I've uttered the words, 'and THIS is why I don't have a boyfriend...' Most of these times are escaping me. Feel free to remind me of some, I promise not to beat the shit out of you. (See #19.)



P.S. Upon further investigation of this post, it looks more like a list of 'things that make me more masculine than feminine.' I think this revelation will be instrumental in making me consider changing my conduct, before ultimately continuing to behave just the same as always.


cindyann said...

how did you end up in raider nation?!
i share in the open door bathroom policy, i claim laziness.

RichterSauce said...

you make me giggle and feel uncomfortable all at the same time.

Its Only Life said...

is your quote slash title for this from sunny in phili btw? i need to start writing on my blog again..oh and btw, youre uncomfortably amusing.