Thursday, May 7, 2009

I am down. I am totally down. Mark me down.

I may have officially hit rock bottom, depending how you look at it.
Money is an issue, money has been an issue since I've graduated. My stupid 'goals' get in the way of me keeping a well-paying job, becuase every asshole in America moves to La La Land to try to 'make it' in Hollywood. As a result, jobs out here pay assistants in ground up animal bones and loose change found in couches, because ANYONE will take these jobs for a chance to break in. Whatever that means. Most of the people who work in this industry don't actually have any skill or intelligence, they just blew the right people and got drunk in the right places.

But I digress.

In my careful perusal of Craigslist classifieds yesterday, I came across an ad looking to hire a 'phone actress.' Naturally, I was intrigued. And even more naturally, I applied. How could I not be interested in a posting searching for someone to have 'EROTIC, ADULT phone conversations...must have pleasent speaking voice, a good sense of humour and be open minded.'
That's me to a TEE! My sense of humor is wicked, and I give GREAT voice. (Or so I've been told.) Finally a skill I've developed at my ass-fuck job that I can use in the real world - I'm on the phone all day, why not do it all nite for almost 3 times the money? I'm in.*

I got a very quick response from Evan@live.com**, asking if I would be willing to send a picture and participate in a phone interview. WELL. Why the eff not?


I tried to find the sluttiest photo of me that Facebook could offer, and much to my surprise/excitement/disappointment, the best I could find was the below.
I was a sloppy mess in this picture. I'm wearing cat ears, my shirt actually says the word 'pussy' on it, and I had enough to drink that I made out with someone ELSE on the dance floor besides THAT guy I came with, and didn't find out until days later that my fit about him taking me home early was completely justified because of all of the above.
Aaaaaaand SEND.

Now here comes the best part: since I sent this photo, I have not heard back from evan@live.com. Am I offended, or relieved? I can't decide if it's more depressing that after sending in a photo for a PHONE SEX OPERATOR (I never heard word one about this being a VIDEO phone, btw) I was totally dismissed, or if it's more depressing that I'm SORRY I was dismissed. I feel like the winning contestant on Singled Out. Where the guy just loves you when you're behind that big board, and then there's the reveal when Jenny McCarthy lets you finally meet face to face, and his sinks in disappointment at the fact that yeah, you might have a great personality, but it doesn't really matter, because you're a DOG. But he has to smile for the camera anyway.
I'm sorry Evan and I couldn't make things work. I guess I'll just have to utilize my talents elsewhere and start my own Skype-powered phone sex service, kellygetsdown.com. Let's just hope I don't mistake my nite job for my day job and try to talk off a client. That could be detrimental.


*The ad also stated, 'It would be a plus if you are able to role play, ie; a cheerleader, a therapist, a dominatrix etc...' Is 'therapist' the new 'babysitter' now? Wow, porn and fetishes have really changed since I first got in the game.
**Email modified for the anonymity of this perv.

3 comments:

Jeffrey said...

KELLYGETSDOWN.COM! So glad it made it in the entry. And you know a certain client (RD) would love you to talk him off.

you can phone sex me up anytime. :)

sanju said...

Haha - this is hilarious..you should have left the real email address of the guy - we could have had a write in vote to hire you!

Its Only Life said...

just when i thought you couldnt do something weirder..congrats, you win. haha