Thursday, December 13, 2007

Save it for the talk room, son.

Upon completing another slobber-filled day of babysitting, I've come up with a few items I feel are vital to keep in mind when considering creating offspring. I now present...

1. I know how big my vagina is, and it's not big enough.

2. I never WANT my vagina to be big enough.

3. I don't want a boring child. I don't want the child that just stares at you when you ask it a question, or prefers not talking over talking. I would rather the child that is obnoxious and outspoken, though that brings me to fear #4.

4. I don't want one of those asshole kids. The ones that throw shit at people they don't know, and tell strangers they're fat.

5. Parents don't know when they're children are ugly, but I'm pretty sure that I would. Pleeeeease no ugly baby!

6. Lactation. I don't like the idea of someone being able to juice me.

7. As far as I can tell, the first one is so easy and precious, it tricks you into having more. And from then on it's a downward sprial into being broke, yelled at and eventually abandoned, until they move out of the house and finally learn to love and appreciate you. Wait - have I had a kid already? No, just too much experience from being one.

8. Finally, there is a certain amount of fright surrounding the fact that it might actually end up like ME, and that's no good for anyone.

In conclusion, I love children and plan on popping out a few, but for now (and the immediate future) I'm keeping all my eggs in my basket before they're scrambled for good.