Upon completing another slobber-filled day of babysitting, I've come up with a few items I feel are vital to keep in mind when considering creating offspring. I now present...
REASONS I'M SCARED TO BIRTH A CHILD.
1. I know how big my vagina is, and it's not big enough.
2. I never WANT my vagina to be big enough.
3. I don't want a boring child. I don't want the child that just stares at you when you ask it a question, or prefers not talking over talking. I would rather the child that is obnoxious and outspoken, though that brings me to fear #4.
4. I don't want one of those asshole kids. The ones that throw shit at people they don't know, and tell strangers they're fat.
5. Parents don't know when they're children are ugly, but I'm pretty sure that I would. Pleeeeease no ugly baby!
6. Lactation. I don't like the idea of someone being able to juice me.
7. As far as I can tell, the first one is so easy and precious, it tricks you into having more. And from then on it's a downward sprial into being broke, yelled at and eventually abandoned, until they move out of the house and finally learn to love and appreciate you. Wait - have I had a kid already? No, just too much experience from being one.
8. Finally, there is a certain amount of fright surrounding the fact that it might actually end up like ME, and that's no good for anyone.
In conclusion, I love children and plan on popping out a few, but for now (and the immediate future) I'm keeping all my eggs in my basket before they're scrambled for good.
5 comments:
OMG!!!! Best post ever! Oh ya and I was the non talker kid (shrunk into my neck when people talked to me)Jeff was the obnoxious brat who would tell people they were fat.:(
no ugly babies for me too!!!!
Miss you Kellers!!!!!
dont know why i call you that randomly...
HAHAAA that was perfectly said in every way. seriously. now you have me a lil worried...no babies for me anytime soon either!
being the only male to say anything. Im not so sure what the big deal is. Women have been having babies for years.
Ok im kidding.
These are all very good reasons to not have kids.
I loved it
I hope when you're in the delivery room, the doctor peers down and says with disbelief, "it almost looks as though someone cut this vagina with scissors."
yup. I went there.
I think you pretty much read my mind big sister. Good job being my freaky non-but-almost twin.
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