Wednesday, October 24, 2007

We all go a little mad sometimes...

Maybe it's because Halloween is right around the corner. Maybe it's the crazy weather going to her head and the extra ash inhalation. But Lord help me, PLEASE tell me my neighbor is not in a cult.

It might be best to begin with the myriad of annoyances that have already befallen me due to the woman next door in my new West LA apartment. For instance, the fact that I swear this woman is purposefully trying to drive me mad. Smokes-a-lot-lady, as I affectionately refer to her, began her slow and grating elimination of my sanity with her constant singing. Not real songs, mind you - mindless humming, with no rhyme or reason, designed to make a person fall slowly and painfully into complete and utter insanity.

If she's not singing she's talking, which is interesting in itself, since I'm nearly positive she lives alone. At 1:30AM on my first sleepless nite living next door to the American Idol, I dragged my haggard ass out of bed and outside, to determine if it was my upstairs or next door neighbor I needed to plot to murder. Lucky me, I hear the culprit's beautiful voice immediately, just on the other side of my bedroom wall. And then - wait for it - I hear THIS: "We need to get you your medicine!"

A: Crazy woman has a cat or bird.
B: Crazy woman has a child that stays up way too late.
C: Crazy woman, most likely, is effing crazy, and reminding HERSELF to take her medicine.

In addition to these adorable traits, Ms. SmokesALot has a beautiful hacking cough that could wake the dead. Which brings me to the moment when I finally realized which person in my neighborhood lived next door - as you might imagine, naturally, she looks a little bit like this:


And yes she has that pipe.
Now imagine this woman in all her glory, and fast forward to tonite. It's 8pm on a Wednesday evening. I step out of the shower, and immediately hear a methodic chanting floating through the wall. "Oh, no big deal, it's just the cult next door. Wait, WHAT?!" I further my investigation and step outside, only to find that it is indeed the good madam to my right. An eery and unnatural light glowed in her apartment, and I hope to Baby Jesus she was participating in a more intense yogo sesh than I've ever myself experienced.
But because it's me, and it's MY neighbor...it's probably more likely that I live next door to a witches' coven. This is in turn what led me to Google "coven," and remind me that I want to purchase HOCUS POCUS stat, because that movie rules all.
For now, I'll just long for Smokey McAshtray to go back to the singing. Compared to the sounds of the occult, sensless humming ain't so bad.

5 comments:

Quijano said...

I hope that that really looks like the lady that live next to you. I think that i would rather have her chant then sing because chanting cant last as long. But on the other hand if she is as crazy as she sounds she might be able to.

Unknown said...

oooo - you should totally befriend the witch! It may really be like "Hocus Pocus" and you can be the pretty SJP witch! yeah!
Okay... now I have to go by that movie :)

Unknown said...

damn it... how did I spell BUY wrong.I suck.

Sarah Barton said...

HAHAHA....for some reason, I feel a deep attraction to little ms. smokes-a-lot...not in a homosexual way, but in a grandaughter kind of way. Maybe I'm crazy too. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

Its Only Life said...

the same people comment on these, which is amusing..but i wanna start one of these things too..sooo maybe i should..except idk whod comment..POINT IS, another funny blog thing kel..and smokes-alot-lady? you didnt copy right the friends series on that one sis

smooooth. :D